American Economics 101

Robert Bridge wrote a column for “Moscow News” called “Russian Economics 101” in which he teaches Russians how to treat customers. It became somewhat obligatory for every American in Russia to bitch about local customer service (or total lack of customer service). While I totally agree that Russian service culture leaves much to be desired and pretty often is simply terrible American service also has some problems. Ironically most of these problems are caused by never ending efforts to make service standards always higher and higher. So here is my list of “American Economics 101”:

1. Stop treating me as your drinking buddy, dear American waiter! You don’t know me. You see me for the first time. You will forget me the moment I leave your restaurant. Why do you act as if I’m the dearest person in your life? I don’t need your faked orgasms. I want to be treated with respect. I expect waiters to be efficient, knowledgeable and quick. Nothing more.

2. Stop breaking into our conversation! You see me and my friend have a very interesting conversation. What is the reason to come up to our table every five minutes, break into the conversation and ask, “Is everything ok?” Everything was ok before you showed up. Yes, I know you are obliged to ask this stupid question but can you at least come up and silently move your lips. Anyway your manager cannot hear you. I will call you when I need you.

3. Let me into the restroom! You mopped the floor in the restroom, put a big orange shield at the door and wait till the floor is dry. It is already dry! Totally dry. Ok, your regulations require you to wait exactly five minutes even when the floor looks like it is dry but I need to use the restroom immediately. Right now. My bladder cannot wait. Your manager is not here. Why can’t you make an exception for a person who is already in a very humiliating situation? And can you please say ‘no’ without putting this idiotic smile on your face. I don’t find it funny.

4. Why can’t you be friendly when I really need your friendliness? You see I have splitting headache. You have Tylenol? But you can’t give it to patrons of your wonderful diner? Can you then simply take Tylenol and then secretly pass it to me? I beg you. Please. Did I tell you that when you keep saying ‘no’ I prefer you to wipe this stupid smile from your face? What do you mean, “I will pray for your”?

5. Have some human dignity! I know you already realized it yourself. That fat, nerdy and obnoxious guy is here for one reason only. He wants to humiliate you. He’s nagging and gnawing at you because here’s the only place where he can do it. This loser is simply raping you verbally. Then why are trying so hard to please him? Where’s you dignity? Is this job so important to you that you can let every moron shit on you? Just because customer is always right? Then go try prostitution. There’s more money in that profession. And stop showing me your teeth so hard. I’m not a dentist.

6. Don’t make an idiot out of me! Yes, I remember when I signed for you worthless customer loyalty discount card I gave you some personal information including my birthday. But I don’t remember when you asked me, “Do you mind when you visit our restaurant on your birthday that we make a pathetic show that would include all our team members yelling a birthday song at the top of our lungs and giving you a silly gift?” In that case I would’ve told you, “I hate such things and find them very embarrassing.” Do you really think all your customers are all alike and have exactly the same needs? Do all of your customers enjoy being in the center of attention when everyone in the restaurant gives them cheers? And relax your facial muscles. I already know that everyone of you has 32 teeth.

7. Stop behaving like a moron! I know there’s a law that I should be 21 to enter your bar. No, I don’t have an id with me right now. I was twenty one when your parents were playing in the sandbox. And I look my age 200%. One should be completely blind or insane to think I’m twenty. If some stupid law would require you to kiss every customer’s ass, will you do it? If your mom shows up, will you ask her id? Thank you at least for not smiling.

School of Machos

Beer advertising keeps on targeting wannabe machos. And everyone knows that the toughest machos live in Mexico. So – drink Akapulko beer (brand of PIT Brewery) and you have a chance to win an educational trip to School of Macho in Akapulko. This is a project of Promo Interactive (Next Media Group) and Fank Laboratory.

Via sostav

On Advertising

Peephole Advertising

Here's an original guerilla marketing trick used by PapaJohn's Pizza. Do you think the "promoter" who sticks such pictures should ring the bell and run away to make it work?

And here's what mean Russian jokers from foto_zhaba did with it.

Please note 02 numbers at the bottom of the sticker. It stands for Russian 911.

Any other ideas for this kind of advertising?

Hair Energizer

Ukrainian ad agency Euro RSCG New Europe started using “bold head viewed from above” images to promote a new product – hair energizer Alpecin. It means – if you don’t want your head to look like this, energize your hair with Albecin.

Via AdMe

MTS re-branding

eXile publishes a hilarious review of Russian major mobile phone operator by Alex Shifrin. Incredible but true. It seems that MTS screws up absolutely everything its marketing people are touching:

How do you make a bad ad campaign even worse? You double down on it, ramping up the mistakes. In theater, this type of thing is called a comedy of errors. In Moscow, we call it the re-branding of MTS, Russia's largest mobile phone operator. Having covered their marketing campaign flaws a few issues back, it's worth having a fresh look at MTS' tactical approach to their recent re-branding campaign - you know, the whole red egg thing you see all over billboards around every city and check in on how it's coming along.
Read more…

Click here to read some popular Russian jokes about MTS re-branding.

Related Tags: Russia, Moscow, marketing, advertising, re-branding, MTS

Krakow Sandwich Index

KP newspaper conducted an interesting research – a fun alternative to Economist BigMac index. All around the country at run down railroad cafes KP correspondents checked prices for a standard Russian junk food – open sandwich with Krakow sausage. Then they divided an average income in the region by the price of the sandwich. The result – how many Krakow sausage sandwiches an average person can afford. The “richest” cities are Cheliabinsk (the Ural Mountatins) and Magadan (gold miners’ outpost in Eastern Siberia). The “poorest” cities are Vladimir and Nizhni Novgorod. As expected Muscovites are not among those who can enjoy tons of Krakow sausage sandwiches – its price in Moscow is outrageously high (25 rubles = almost $1).

Captions: first line of numbers – average income a month (in rubles); second line of numbers – price of a Krakow sausage sandwich (in rubles); bottom line – how many sandwiches a resident of the region can afford to eat every month.