American Economics 101
Robert Bridge wrote a column for “Moscow News” called “Russian Economics 101” in which he teaches Russians how to treat customers. It became somewhat obligatory for every American in Russia to bitch about local customer service (or total lack of customer service). While I totally agree that Russian service culture leaves much to be desired and pretty often is simply terrible American service also has some problems. Ironically most of these problems are caused by never ending efforts to make service standards always higher and higher. So here is my list of “American Economics 101”:
1. Stop treating me as your drinking buddy, dear American waiter! You don’t know me. You see me for the first time. You will forget me the moment I leave your restaurant. Why do you act as if I’m the dearest person in your life? I don’t need your faked orgasms. I want to be treated with respect. I expect waiters to be efficient, knowledgeable and quick. Nothing more.
2. Stop breaking into our conversation! You see me and my friend have a very interesting conversation. What is the reason to come up to our table every five minutes, break into the conversation and ask, “Is everything ok?” Everything was ok before you showed up. Yes, I know you are obliged to ask this stupid question but can you at least come up and silently move your lips. Anyway your manager cannot hear you. I will call you when I need you.
3. Let me into the restroom! You mopped the floor in the restroom, put a big orange shield at the door and wait till the floor is dry. It is already dry! Totally dry. Ok, your regulations require you to wait exactly five minutes even when the floor looks like it is dry but I need to use the restroom immediately. Right now. My bladder cannot wait. Your manager is not here. Why can’t you make an exception for a person who is already in a very humiliating situation? And can you please say ‘no’ without putting this idiotic smile on your face. I don’t find it funny.
4. Why can’t you be friendly when I really need your friendliness? You see I have splitting headache. You have Tylenol? But you can’t give it to patrons of your wonderful diner? Can you then simply take Tylenol and then secretly pass it to me? I beg you. Please. Did I tell you that when you keep saying ‘no’ I prefer you to wipe this stupid smile from your face? What do you mean, “I will pray for your”?
5. Have some human dignity! I know you already realized it yourself. That fat, nerdy and obnoxious guy is here for one reason only. He wants to humiliate you. He’s nagging and gnawing at you because here’s the only place where he can do it. This loser is simply raping you verbally. Then why are trying so hard to please him? Where’s you dignity? Is this job so important to you that you can let every moron shit on you? Just because customer is always right? Then go try prostitution. There’s more money in that profession. And stop showing me your teeth so hard. I’m not a dentist.
6. Don’t make an idiot out of me! Yes, I remember when I signed for you worthless customer loyalty discount card I gave you some personal information including my birthday. But I don’t remember when you asked me, “Do you mind when you visit our restaurant on your birthday that we make a pathetic show that would include all our team members yelling a birthday song at the top of our lungs and giving you a silly gift?” In that case I would’ve told you, “I hate such things and find them very embarrassing.” Do you really think all your customers are all alike and have exactly the same needs? Do all of your customers enjoy being in the center of attention when everyone in the restaurant gives them cheers? And relax your facial muscles. I already know that everyone of you has 32 teeth.
7. Stop behaving like a moron! I know there’s a law that I should be 21 to enter your bar. No, I don’t have an id with me right now. I was twenty one when your parents were playing in the sandbox. And I look my age 200%. One should be completely blind or insane to think I’m twenty. If some stupid law would require you to kiss every customer’s ass, will you do it? If your mom shows up, will you ask her id? Thank you at least for not smiling.
1. Stop treating me as your drinking buddy, dear American waiter! You don’t know me. You see me for the first time. You will forget me the moment I leave your restaurant. Why do you act as if I’m the dearest person in your life? I don’t need your faked orgasms. I want to be treated with respect. I expect waiters to be efficient, knowledgeable and quick. Nothing more.
2. Stop breaking into our conversation! You see me and my friend have a very interesting conversation. What is the reason to come up to our table every five minutes, break into the conversation and ask, “Is everything ok?” Everything was ok before you showed up. Yes, I know you are obliged to ask this stupid question but can you at least come up and silently move your lips. Anyway your manager cannot hear you. I will call you when I need you.
3. Let me into the restroom! You mopped the floor in the restroom, put a big orange shield at the door and wait till the floor is dry. It is already dry! Totally dry. Ok, your regulations require you to wait exactly five minutes even when the floor looks like it is dry but I need to use the restroom immediately. Right now. My bladder cannot wait. Your manager is not here. Why can’t you make an exception for a person who is already in a very humiliating situation? And can you please say ‘no’ without putting this idiotic smile on your face. I don’t find it funny.
4. Why can’t you be friendly when I really need your friendliness? You see I have splitting headache. You have Tylenol? But you can’t give it to patrons of your wonderful diner? Can you then simply take Tylenol and then secretly pass it to me? I beg you. Please. Did I tell you that when you keep saying ‘no’ I prefer you to wipe this stupid smile from your face? What do you mean, “I will pray for your”?
5. Have some human dignity! I know you already realized it yourself. That fat, nerdy and obnoxious guy is here for one reason only. He wants to humiliate you. He’s nagging and gnawing at you because here’s the only place where he can do it. This loser is simply raping you verbally. Then why are trying so hard to please him? Where’s you dignity? Is this job so important to you that you can let every moron shit on you? Just because customer is always right? Then go try prostitution. There’s more money in that profession. And stop showing me your teeth so hard. I’m not a dentist.
6. Don’t make an idiot out of me! Yes, I remember when I signed for you worthless customer loyalty discount card I gave you some personal information including my birthday. But I don’t remember when you asked me, “Do you mind when you visit our restaurant on your birthday that we make a pathetic show that would include all our team members yelling a birthday song at the top of our lungs and giving you a silly gift?” In that case I would’ve told you, “I hate such things and find them very embarrassing.” Do you really think all your customers are all alike and have exactly the same needs? Do all of your customers enjoy being in the center of attention when everyone in the restaurant gives them cheers? And relax your facial muscles. I already know that everyone of you has 32 teeth.
7. Stop behaving like a moron! I know there’s a law that I should be 21 to enter your bar. No, I don’t have an id with me right now. I was twenty one when your parents were playing in the sandbox. And I look my age 200%. One should be completely blind or insane to think I’m twenty. If some stupid law would require you to kiss every customer’s ass, will you do it? If your mom shows up, will you ask her id? Thank you at least for not smiling.
posted by Konstantin at Friday, July 28, 2006
1 Comments:
Actually, I think rules 1, 2, and 4 could be combined. Also Rules 5, 6, and 7.
Basically, it would be summarized as "Don't be so overly friendly. It is annoying, interrupts my conversation and I don't believe you."
And "Have some dignity, don't act so foolishly, and don't bring me into your plans to act foolishly".
Of course those are valid points to some degree ... good waiters know how to judge their clients requirements. But these comments are VERY typically Russian (that is ok and perfectly understandable, of course). My first trip on the Metro I was warned by my friend as we entered the station not to smile or laugh. Why? "Its not dignified."
I can say from living in Europe for 6 years and traveled much of the world ... only in Russia is dignity associated with a dour countenance. Western ideas of dignity are more along the lines of Princess Diana in public appearences.
Of course, this makes me wonder what Princess Diana might have thought of a frantically clapping TGI Friday's waitstaff bringing her a lumpy chocolate cake with flaming sparklers on top.
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